Marriage Secrets
If you are a bachelor seeking to tie your bond soon, you might want to check this first.
Marriage is complex. It is so complicated that many of today’s generations choose to skip it. They prefer to not take the risk and stay away from vouching the promises. Furthermore the current society is more lenient in accepting relationship without marriage, such as living together even until having children.
However if you want to stay on the conventional route, dare to challenge yourself for being faithful and patient, be fully responsible to those you love, you should tie the knot officially, and register officially as a couple, satisfy both what is required by law, religion and customs traditions. And then perhaps I can share a bit what is required to make a long lasting relationship.
Q: So you will be sharing your secret recipe here right ?
Despite of the intriguing title, actually there is no secret. If it was a secret, I would never have posted it here 😆
Instead I will try to share point of view and experiences from the one who have been married with two kids for more than 13 years, with all of ups and downs we had been through.
Correct your intention and expectation
We will start from where it all begins. Our heart. Our intention. Ask yourself this question, what is the reason you are marrying the person you love ? To make it easier in making example, I will just assume that you are a man. It is applicable both ways, anyways. Besides, normally a man is the one who proposes first.
So you are trying to marry this girl because of what, is it because she is pretty? Is it because she is hot? Is it because she is from wealthy and respected family? Is it because she is famous ? This is a question that requires super honest answer from deepest heart.
Q: Why can’t we have all? I am trying to find my perfect prince/ princess
If you are spending your entire life looking for perfect partner, then you will end up not having partner at all, or ending up regretting because you are marrying not-so-perfect person. Human is created with advantages and disadvantages. There is no perfect human, there is no perfect partner. There will always be lacking points. When you fall in love, at first, the feelings will cloud your judgement from your partner lacking points and you are very lenient in accepting their mistakes. But the longer you establish the relationship, the cloud will be gone and you will see all kind of mistakes that you may hardly accept.
Q: You are wrong. They exist. My dream prince/ princess is perfect like my Korean Idols.
OK so You mean there is a guy who is perfect, like handsome, rich, famous, caring and et-cetera right? If that so, why do we actually see, these perfect guy, marrying another perfect lady, they seem to have a perfect life, but ended up in a divorce later on ? Shouldn’t they be the perfect case? Please think through.
Q: That’s probably because they are not actually soul mates bound by fate ?
😄 Haha, nice try! They saw each other as perfect partners. Then they got married. They became official soul mates. But they are also the one who chose to end the bond. Marriage is type of fate that we decide for ourselves. Most of divorces are caused by of wrong intention and wrong expectation.
You are marrying her because she is beautiful. Yes of course you are allowed to find beautiful wife. It is by nature that we, men, like pretty women. However, do not put the beauty as the main reason. Women are like flowers. They bloom. And they wither at the end of the day. People grow old and lose their physical beauties. Will you still love your wife when she gets old and has wrinkles ?
You are marrying him because he is wealthy. Yes of course you would be looking for people with decent income. No smoke can come out from kitchen without money right ? Yes, but do not put wealth as the main reason. People’s lives are like a roller coasters. Sometimes they are up, sometimes bad things happen. Will you be able to support your husband when he is at the bottom of the pit?
Q: Hold on bro, I am not marrying him to be poor. I want a happy marriage and of course I need money for that.
That’s right. But who can control and assure that the economic situations will be ever lasting? Will you be divorcing your husband when he gets poor or when disaster strikes? By the way economy is the most common reason of a divorce aside from cheating.
We don’t know whether we will get poor in the future. But for sure, people need to keep working hard in any situation. We need to support our spouse, and both as a team must be working together, help each other to rise up once again.
As a reminder, people do not need to be rich to be happy. We only need enough. And enough means it satisfies what we need. Not what we want.
Q: Don’t worry, I will love my wife even if she gets old later.
That’s great! Now a simple test for you. Imagine a food or cuisine that you love the most. Imagine anything. Say, the food you love most in the world, is a pasta. Now imagine yourself, eating the pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for your entire life, your whole say 50 years of marriage. Will you be able to do that?
Q: I think I would need variations. It would be very boring if I only eat pasta.
Unfortunately you are not allowed to. Pasta is the food you love the most. And so is your spouse. You want to eat chicken breast? sushi ? salads ? I am sorry, those are you neighbors, or your office mates, or your dream artists on Netflix that you cannot touch, and you basically chose paste above all.
You are right. At certain point of time you will get bored of your marriage. When that happens, all kind of food, even the most unhealthy one will look very tasty. You want to eat all of them. But please do remember, you don’t actually need them. You already have the best cuisine in the world. The one you need. The most healthy of all. The one who will always be there for you.
Q: But it would still be boring only eating pasta everyday though..
Straighten up your heart! Spice up your love and romance! You do know there are 350 variations of pasta right ? That’s like one different pasta food for the entire year, if you are creative enough. And we are not yet counting the sauce combinations and stuffs.
You and your spouse are two but one. The love between you is boundless and you can do anything to refresh your relationship. Do you still remember when first time you’re holding her hand? How did it feel back then ? If I may suggest, while being with her, for once you could try assuming she is not your wife. Assume it’s the first time you’re going out together. How thrilling is that?
On the other occasion try to think what would happen when she is no longer around. Imagine this is the last time you would be seeing her, because she will be soon 1 meter below the ground. How do you feel ? Yes let the tears cry out for love sake.
Finally on different occasion try to be grateful that you have her instead. She is here. She is alive and well. She is amazing. She is yours. Who else you need?
Q: Well noted. But do you have tips what kind of person should I be after to have the ever lasting marriage?
The true beauty is inner beauty. Whoever the person you are marrying, find the one with kind heart and honest. For long term relationship you will need this kind of people instead of physical appearance or mere economic status. If you happen to find kind and honest person, and also good-looking, then what do you wait for ? Again, there is no such perfect person. Both you and your spouse will soon or later, uncover each other bad sides. But both of you can choose to work together to cover each other weaknesses and support each other up. Only when being together then we can become perfect.
Q: But I am a girl. Should I be waiting for my prince charming to come instead ?
Some may say, marriage and soul mate are part of destiny. If it is fated then it will come. However, destiny is a journey — and you can choose which path you are going to take, don’t forget. Even right now you can choose — continue reading or close this article.
Thanks for continuing reading though 😅
If you are destined to go to certain place, but you refuse to move, you won’t arrive there. You may be born poor, but you could also be destined to be a very successful person in your life. You have to spend efforts to go there.
The same goes with finding your soul mate. They are waiting there somewhere. You only have to find and pick them up. Put an effort! Do not wait!
Q: I had my time. But he was such a duck — I had to divorce him.
I will not be judging anything. However what I would always tell to people regarding soul mates — they are actually like a mirror. What do you see in the mirror? You see yourself.
When people choose their partner, they consciously or unconsciously see how matching they are, and how the differences in them can benefit each other. This is why:
- if you are smoking, most likely you will get partner who doesn’t care much about poisons and illness
- if you are cheapskate, you will fall in love with materialists
- if you were born rich, you will see for candidates from rich family too
- if you often being dishonest to yourself, you will meet person who often lies to you
- if you are kind by heart, you will meet another kind person
That’s how it works. The soul mate you will meet, will be the embodiment of yourself. Hence said, if he was such a bus-tard — have you ever thought that probably you were not a good partner either?
Self introspection is the point. We should never stop working ourselves to be a good, honest person. Then good soul mate will choose us.
Q: It sounds good to be true, however I should be prepared for the worst right?
First of all, if you are thinking about creating a prenuptial agreement — then I strongly suggest don’t even think about it!
I am a person who works on IT field. I definitely understand the important of making backups. However.. this is totally in different context. In world of marriage there should be no backup for your spouse. Because there is no backup, then you should spend your best effort to defend, to not lose your marriage. At any cost it may not fail!
At the opposite, if you prepare backup: I am working with nice salary, it is okay if my spouse left me — I have good terms on the prenuptial agreement, I don’t mind if s/he left, then there you go. Prepare to unleash your backup plan very soon when you meet your first marriage issue.
Doesn’t Until Death Do Us Part ring any bell for you?
— — —
thank you for reading 🍻
